April 26, 2009

I have no recipe today. In fact, I haven't been cooking much lately. Not that I haven't been eating, but I wasn't enjoying it.

Although I announced my engagement in my last post, and I thank you for you kind thoughts and congratulations, I've been walking a tough road since then. One with much thought, introspection and examining of my life, past, current, and future.

I realized that I wasn't happy, and that I can't try to take another big step forward without remedying that. I can't bind my life to another's until I my life is what I want it to be, and then to know that the Trainer and I can still make it work.

There are certain things that I cannot change, we simply cannot afford to get our own place, even the tiniest of holes in the wall, and the Trainer won't leave his family, his mother most importantly, with the additional financial obligation of paying for the apartment without us.

Other things I can change. I came to New York to be an artist and I realized that I've been trapped in a hamster wheel of a desk job, my butt stuck to a chair and my eyes glued to a computer screen, only seeing people who aggravate me on a good day and drive me absolutely up a wall on a bad day. I haven't created an honest to goodness piece of art in over a year. That must change. I have signed up for a glass art course and I am going to be taking back time for my myself and my art.

I grew up hiking, camping and cave exploring with my parents, instilled with a love and respect for the natural world. Before the Trainer all my serious relationships were with other cavers, and caving, hiking and camping was never and issue, just something we did. I haven't hiked in 3 years. That is due, in part, to my own illness and the long road that led me to discovering my celiac disease and later to the Specific Carbohydrate Diet. Now that my stomach and internal organs all seem to be in working order, and my skin is no longer my enemy, I feel that I can venture away from 'home' for more extended periods of time. I woke with a start in the middle of the night and wondered what would happen if I never went hiking again. Not a prospect I relish, I must admit. And so, I must find a join a hiking group and really reconnect with nature. This will nurture my soul and my art.

For days I worried how these changes would affect my relationship with the Trainer. I made myself sick with it. I know it is highly unlikely that the Trainer will go hiking with me, and we're used to doing just about everything together. I wonder how he will react to not having me home on the weekends, when I will be out side or in the studio. After I upset myself with all the things that I thought could go wrong I finally had to present my concerns to him, he could tell I was unhappy. And all he said was "take care of yourself, you support me and you know I support you in anything you choose to do."

Such simple words, a smile, a hug and a kiss and a huge weight was lifted from my heart. It remains to be seen how this will work in reality, but I am happier than I have been in a long time.

Heather has given me the Kreativ Blogger Award but I'm going to wait until I have my feet under me again before I list the seven things I love.

I'm still here, I'm still cooking and I will be creating again.

See you soon!


Anonymous said...

that made me cry! It takes courage to do what you are doing. I think that is great. You have to be happy with yourself and your life. Good luck. I am looking forward to more posts. I hope positive opportunities open up for you.

Jennifer said...

I have to say, good for you.
Best vibes going towards you from blogger-land!

Kelly said...

Wow! You are a strong, intelligent, and wise woman. I know your life is going to become everything you want it to be. Love, Kelly

Gluten Free Steve said...

Hang in there my gluten free blogging friend. I think you've got a lot of strength and courage and love from your family, friends and e-friends. I wish you nothing but a good, safe and happy journey as you explore. And kudos to you for signing up for an art class!

Yasmin (Almond & The Hazelnut) said...

Hi Vittoria,

This was the first time I've visited your post and I must say that was a powerful first post to read. It does take courage to stand up to the problems in your life and acknowledge them - to others, but more importantly to yourself. You sound like a strong woman at heart and I wish you continued strength in your journey.

I'll be dropping by here again soon :)

Iris said...

Wow. I know this is an older post, but I hope everything is working out as it should. This resonated with me, as I've been grappling with similar issues in my own life. Good luck with everything, and trust your instincts!